Problem Management — principles

Men need to be wanted; women want to be needed.

Obviously the above generalization doesn't apply to all individuals, and certainly not to the same degree from one person to the next, but there is a very strong genetic component to how people view relationships.

Because of their stronger physical attributes, men have traditionally provided protection and shelter. Generally a man could survive by himself for a long time under conditions where a woman couldn't. With protection and shelter assured, a woman and her children stand a much better chance of survival. There is little question of whether or not men are needed.

For this reason, women naturally find wealth and power attractive (just consider the high-school football player and his car). But there is always the question of why the woman has a relationship with a man. Is it simply because she needs him, or is there something that goes beyond need? Does the woman actually want to be with the man.

It's this feeling of being wanted that men need in their relationships.

Women naturally attract men. Men will seek them out simply because they want to be with them. There is little question of whether or not women are wanted.

For this reason, men naturally find physical beauty attractive. Whether it's makeup, clothing, or attitude, anything that says I want to be with you or I'm doing this for you is going to attract a man. But there is always the question of why the man has a relationship with a woman. Is it simply because he wants to be with her, or is there something that goes beyond want? Does the man actually need something from the woman?

It's this feeling of being needed that women want in their relationships.

Men give women gifts that are totally useless. Flowers look pretty for a few days and then they're gone. The gift must be something the woman wants but doesn't need. If a man were to give a useful present he would be providing something that the woman needs, and that isn't a satisfactory present for either of them; it's simply a confirmation that she is with him because he can provide what she needs.

Women give men gifts that are entirely practical. A set of clamps or an orbital sander will be used time after time for many years. Such a gift goes towards the man's productive needs. It is a way of telling the man that she wants to make it easier for him to provide.

Jobs such as nursing and child care are filled far more by women than men. This isn't because of sexist hiring practices or societal pressure, but because many women actually enjoy this type of work. In particular, with the work being essential and directly related to other people, it provides the feeling of being needed.

Men's fantasies or experiences with prostitutes often reflect their need to be wanted. The dream woman will obviously want what he has to offer and will obviously enjoy being with him. There's no question of need, he is someone she wants to be with.

In sex and every other aspect of their relationsip, the woman must get the message I need you, the man I want you, though not necessarily in words.